Allen Smith:
CLASS OF 1960
Van Nuys Elementary SchoolClass of 1960
Van nuys, CA
Van Nuys High SchoolClass of 1967
Van nuys, CA
Allen's Story
Life
Since graduation from high school, I've fallen in and out of a life of crime. I was first arrested at the age of 18 for stealing money out of my grandmother's purse to buy a Beatle's wig. My parents tried to get me to walk the straight and narrow by sending me to a convent, but I was ultimately thrown out for making sounds with my underarms during morning mass.
For the last 15 years, I've been working as a designer of artificial prostheses for small roadkill in Helena, Montana. The working conditions aren't great, but I've found the hours to be flexible, allowing me plenty of time to spend on my hobby and true love: assisting rabi's with circumsizing bull elk in the high country.
Three years ago, I married a female, bulimic bodybuilder. It's been frustrating, though. Every time she shoots up with steroids, she runs to the bathroom to purge. It has saved us tons of money on groceries, though. Yet, at the same time, I've found that it's thrusting me back into a life of crime. Just last week, I was nearly...Expand for more
arrested for tossing a girl scout for her cookies.
Since graduating from high school, I've spent a lot of time on my own, contemplating the meaning of life. Assessing the importance of folding the end of the toilet roll over the top instead of underneath. I've purposely shunned high-paying careers in favor of jobs that allow me to live life on life's terms. To while away my days prone on the couch, dreaming of the day when I'll be man enough to hit my wife back when she slugs me during dinner.
I've found that if you're truly honest with yourself, you can still continue to lie to the police. That one of the most important things in life is how many tattoos you have and where.
I'm anxious to re-connect with some of my old high school chums to see if their breath has improved over the years or if their dentures have only made things worse. But most of all, I'd like to run into my old homeroom classmates to see if anyone ever figured out who was responsible for replacing the meat in the cafeteria on "Taco Day."
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