Barbara K. Feller:  

09-10-2009 On top of everything else my oldest/favorite brother,Charles D. Kessinger, Jr. or Dan for short dropped dead 07-16-08. Then my dad died 07-23-08 which was exactly 1 wk later. This on top of my sweetie's suicide 11-29-07. I've got 3 brothers. Everyone in my family was notified immediately of my husband's suicide. Only Dan called me. No one else contacted me. My parents r elderly-moved from St. Rose (NOLA area) to Houston, Tx. w/Hendley-youngest brother & his wife. They have no children. My dad had also been ill. I called my parents 11-30-08 2 tell them I loved them. Whether my dad comprehended that or not I am not sure. He's been an alcoholic since around 1983/84. He was such a wonderful dad growing up. We were very close. He didn't have good self-esteem & wasn't happy with himself or his life. He told me growing up that he shouldn't have stayed married to my mother after he came back from WWII. They were married in 04/1942. He knew this after 6 wks after being home. I told him when I was a teenager 'Life is too short to live it being unhappy. Get divorced & live alone or eventually find some1 else, live together, date, or get married. U r a nice looking man-even u weren't my dad. U have a lot to offer some1. Give Mom the house & come live w/me.' He was worried about 'what will people say at church, work, friends, relatives.' I said 'Don't worry about that. U deserve to be happy.' Yet he stayed w/my mom. I love her but she's got her emotional problems. I asked my dad 1 time, 'Look in the mirror & tell me what u see." Dad said, "I see my big nose & don't think I'm handsome." I said, "Well u don't see what I see. U have a great nose. Your dad was pure Cherokee Indian. U have his nose which wasn't ugly & his dark hair. U have a wonderful dark olive complexion (Dark olive-red when he got tan) complexion, your smart, your kind, loving, compassionate & caring. U have a nice build-athletic w/nice shoulders, arms, legs. U tell funny jokes & can discuss just about any subject from movies, books, politics, religion. You're responsible, hard working (Traffic manager at Norfolk Southern RR in NOLA) & you have a good job. You attend church & love Jesus, you know how to do woodworking, fixing/working on your home, aren't lazy or a slob, you have good manners & R A Christian. So, what's not to like?" He smiled a big smile when I said that to him. However, he wouldn't divorce my mother. He stayed w/her 66 yrs. Unhappy, bitter, angry & resentful. Anyway, he died exactly 1 wk. after his oldest son. My mother didn't even post a death notice for her husband. I scoured the internet for 6 wks under multiple newspapers nationwide, google search. I finally found the only thing published which was the date/time of his burial at Arlington. She probably published it-Maybe-in their former church bulletin at St Matthew's United Methodist Church-Metairie, La. He was cremated & buried in Arlington National Cemetery in Washington, DC. I had 2 find out that both Dan & my dad died from my gf Sue in Houston, Tx. I didn't find out until around 07/30/08. I am slowly recovering from my sweet husband's death last year. He was my 2nd soulmate (or heartmate) but only husband. He killed himself 11-29-07 by hanging himself on back of bathroom door. He'd been suffering w/depression/anxiety. I found him. My entire wonderful, happy, joyful & loving world was blown apart that day. Many times I've felt like giving up but haven't. I have faith that Jesus my Lord and Savior, will see me through all of this. I was so ill from working in 3 sick office buildings that I had to retire 2004. I had gastric bypass 05-29-2007 2 days after my birthday. I've lost 100 lbs and most of my health problems are gone. I lost my condo to foreclosure which sold at auction 01/2009 for $100. I can't find work & had to move closer to my hometown New Orleans,LA. to Hazlehurst, Ms. w/my g.f. from h.s. Ruth and her hubby. I've been here almost 1 yr. I am easy to get along with. I don't make noise, don't blast tv/radio. I am a insomniac ever since I can remember. Just like my dad. If U remember me u can write to me at my home email address-which is all together but here I have to 'spell it out' barbara j k feller AT g mail dot com. I'm registered on My space and Face book too, so keep in touch. I've had so many things happen-been through so much yet I'm still kicking around. I like Barry Manilow song, "Where do I go from here?" I'm a survivor! We shall overcome-as the gospel song goes 07-30-2008: Ok, what else can happen? My oldest brother, Dan, actually Charles Daniel Kessinger, JR. dropped dead-ht attack in his sleep on 07-16-2008 59.y.o THEN my dad CDK Sr. died exactly a wk later 07-23-08--85 y.o. Very hard to deal with-3 dths in less than a year. OMG! 11-29-2007 I'm VERY SAD upsetting news:my beloved husband-Stu (Stuart) of almost 20 years, committed suicide. Please pray for me. He was my best friend/lover/husband/companion -seems we were always working or I was in hospital/ill w/thousands of doctor's bills, co pays, prescriptions which ran MEGA moolah & that's with the federal coverage. His mind broke. I tried to get him help psychiatric--medications made him sick & his poor mind & spirit I guess weren't strong enough to hold any longer Unfortunately, I found him-performed cpr but it was too late. Needless to say, my heart is broken. I was single since aged 19, had 2 engagements to others, finally got married at aged 34 & was with him for almost 20 years. I am devastated emotionally. I miss his wonderful personality-loving ways. I miss touching his soft wavy hair, kissing him, holding him. He had the most masculine, strong but soft, gentle hands. We both loved oldies, dancing,fishing, swimming, biking, walking, just spending time together doing every day errands whether it was going to grocery store, doctors, out to eat-periodically, at work or home-whatever it was. We loved each other so very much. We weren't dysfunctional, enabling. We were tough love but gentle & honest w/each other. I miss him so! I am a holy-spirit filled Christian woman-that plus friends/family are helping me thru this. I am not in a good monetary position--please pray for me!!! Anyone that remembers me, please contact me. You may send condolences/sympathy cards to my home address if you know what it is. If you don't email me. Please feel free to email me. Thanks. Any updates as to where I will end up living with be posted momentarily. I know the Lord will keep me in his care. Anyone that thinks about 'committing suicide' don't let evil, the Devil or spirits of deception think that that's the only way out. Don't do it. You have to remember things will eventually get better. Please don't give up hope call your local suicide/crisis line. Get psychiatric help-don't be afraid. It may take different doctors/medications/and some time to find something that works. DON'T GIVE UP HOPE--SUICIDE WILL SOLVE NOTHING AND DEVASTATE YOUR LOVED ONES!!! Many people are depressed/anxious. More people than you realize care about u. It doesn't solve anything. U get rid of your anguish but the survivors r left to try & pick up the pieces. It's when u find out who truly cares about u. You'd be surprised. Many of the ones u wouldn't think would care do & many of the ones u thought loved u & were your friend turn their backs on u. Love is not copping out when times get rough. Depression is many times a chemical imbalance and science is finding out more every day. There are some people who have a pre-disposition to it. It's not YOUR FAULT! Many people do love/care about u-but YOU must care about You. Go to a synagogue, church, mosque whatever works but don't do nothing! Nothing is too big to give to Lord Jesus Christ. I care. While a large part of me doesn't want to live the larger part of me does. I have been t...Expand for more