Brent Jablonski:
CLASS OF 1985
Osseo High SchoolClass of 1985
Osseo, MN
Osseo Junior High SchoolClass of 1982
Osseo, MN
Birch Grove Elementary SchoolClass of 1979
Brooklyn park, MN
Edgewood Elementary SchoolClass of 1977
Brooklyn park, MN
Waite Park Elementary SchoolClass of 1973
Minneapolis, MN
Brent's Story
Life
After high school, I searched for the most patient woman in the world. This was my only hope for a successful marriage, as I'm sure many will agree. I found her: Anna and I were married in 1994. Our little girl, Emily, was born in 1999. Her birth was one of the most powerful events of my life; words are too blunt a tool to describe the experience. Our twins, Aaron and Grace arrived in 2003. Twins were a wonderful surprise, but I will always say that God tricked me into having three children. We built a house in Rogers and are living the American Dream. Anyway, most of my life was likely just like yours, so here's some stuff I made-up: 1986-Expelled from U of M for destroying a Chem-lab with a 'homebrew' explosive. 1987-Pinch hit for Les Straker in Game 3 of the World Series: Hit-By-Pitch. 1988-Developed a cannon that could launch a can of SPAM into Low-Earth-Orbit. Project taken over by DARPA for use in SDI. 1989-Toured with Living Colour. My job: rewind the cores in their Gibson PAF humbucker pickups. 1990-Testified before Congress: denied ever knowing Manuel Noriega. Also, dated Laura Palmer before her untimely death. 1991-Designed liquid-metal robot used in Terminator 2. No, that wasn't a visual effect. 1992-Beat Steven Segal unconscious with a rolled-up newspaper. (NY Times) 1993-Co-developed hyper-text transfer protocol with Tim Berners-Lee. 1994-Nearly summited Everest: sherpa developed HAPE forcing a descent. 1995-Bought a Playstation. 1996-Co-chaired (with Dan Olson) the unsuccessful "Rubber-bands Across America". 1997-Took part in an experiment where I watched 'Forest Gump' for 100 straight hours. The phrase 'life is like a box of chocolates' now sends me into a 'Terminal Man' like rage. 1998-First successful clone of a sock. I sold the device to Whirlpool for use in a new line of clothes dryers that always give back matched pairs of socks. 1999-Toured Moonbase Alpha shortly before the moon was blown from orbit. 2000-I let the dogs out. Sorry about that. 2001-Worked with the Air Force on 'Project Donner'. Attempted to train reindeer to deploy from an in-flight C-130 and attach mines to airborne...Expand for more
targets. Project canceled after 3 months. Conclusion: Reindeer cannot fly. 2002-Developed Flux-Capacitor. Field-tested it by traveling back to 1985 to prevent myself from seeing 'Back to the Future'. Resulting paradox shatters my fragile sanity. 2003-My 'Frankenstein-like' efforts in transfer-RNA sequencing result in the Arachnodon; a flying spider the size of a Mini Cooper. CIA took over program for use against the Greys. 2004-Attempt at X-Prize scrapped shortly before first powered flight. Dr. Melanie Slozar and I were unable to sufficiently stabilize monohydrazine for use as a propellant. 2005 - Spent the year dead, for tax purposes. 2006 - Using the combination of a hammer, a garlic press and a bottle capper, I compressed a filbert nut until it fell within its own Schwarzschild radius, thus creating a micro-black hole. It makes a very effective trash compactor! Also, in an unrelated event, our dog 'Sparky' went missing. 2007 - J.A.T.O. pack + Monkey = Fun! 2008 - BASE jumped from the Burj Dubai. Spent the remainder of the year as a 'guest' of a foreign government. 2009 - Experimented with quantum tunneling ray I designed to penetrate the Wheeler foam. Resulted in an Einstein-Rosen Bridge forming in my basement. It caused no problems, but emitted a whistling sound that really sounded like the theme from "A Bridge on the River Kwai". The wormhole disappeared after a week, taking the whistling with it. On the bright side, our dog 'Sparky' is back! 0102 - A kaerf tnedicca elihw gnihcraeser sremoitnane demrofsnart em otni ym nwo remosiorets. I saw llits dednah-thgir, I kniht. 2011- Back to my normal chirality, but now everything tastes like cardboard. Worked on 'Project Shiny-Thing' for Apple: the basic premise is if you make crap shiny enough, people will buy it. We achieved 2.5 Mega Gloss Units using an iPhone 4. Testing showed Apple-faithful were 100% likely to repurchase, despite being struck blind by looking directly at the device. 2012 - I discovered a method to factor large primes that rendered asymmetric-key cryptography useless. Mr. E.S. expressed interest on behalf of a very rich government. KA-CHING!
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