Don Hoffmann:
CLASS OF 1965
Riviera Beach High SchoolClass of 1965
Riviera beach, FL
Don's Story
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I joined the US Army in January 1966 and spent ten years in uniform. I am currently married to my sixth wife, Charlene. We will celebrate our 24th anniversary this year. I have two sons and two daughters, two grandsons and one granddaughter. We have a yellow-naped green amazon parrot named Bubba who thinks he is a person.
My main hobbies (besides collecting wives) are reading, internet surfing, writing rhyming poetry, poker, woodworking, full contact intersex nude mud wrestling, telling tall tales and outrageous lies and perpetrating incredibly bad puns and nonlethal (mostly) practical jokes. When I'm not loafing, I try to take it easy. I used to be a practicing alcoholic and my few remaining friends said I was a peerless drinker. As time has gone on, I have quit drinking (twenty+ years sobriety) and my eyesight has deteriorated. I am now more of a drinkless peerer.
We live in Tallahassee.
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I am presently taking applications to fill the following unpaid positions: one night stand, girl friend, other woman, very close female acquaintance, live in French maid, concubine, fiancÃÂÃÂÃÂée, sex slave.
Please enclose picture(s), contact information, age, measurements, $50.00 processing fee (nonrefundable) and indicate position(s) for which applicant is applying. Relocation to within 50 miles of Tallahassee will be required upon acceptance except for SI swimsuit models, Lufthansa stewardesses, recent Olympic medal winners and major movie stars. One night stand applicants will also not be required to relocate to the Tallahassee area if accepted.
All applicants will be expected to pay any associated travel, lodging, moving, living, meal and other expenses. There is also a one-time initiation fee of $1,000.00 for successful applicants ($500.00 for successful one night stand applicants). Full or partial waivers of the initiation fee may be available to financially disadvantaged but otherwise exceptionally well qualified applicants. The $50.00 application processing fee will not be waived.
Please indicate for which positional opportunity you are applying. I may request additional material at a later date.
A short essay about why you wish to obtain this position, what past experience you have along these lines, a brief outline of any special skills and talents or exceptional physical features you may possess and any other information you feel is pertinent would also be greatly appreciated.
Enthusiasm, humor, attitude, availability, measurements, looks, spelling and punctuation are all important factors to be examined in determining your suitability.
Please include a picture of yourself in a French maid's outfit if that is the position for which you are applying. Regardless of position applied for, you may also include any other titillating, lascivious or thought provoking photos of yourself that you feel might influence me positively in making my determination.
Personal references and/or testimonials of past performance may be submitted if appropriate and from verifiable sources.
More than one positional opportunity may be applied for concurrently at no extra charge.
Due to my high moral standards, personal preferences and applicable laws, I have to announce that only women at or over the age of eighteen years old are eligible for application, consideration, any necessary additional hands-on personal testing or training and final placement. Please do not apply if you do not meet the age and sex requirements.
I look forward to receiving your application, essay, photo(s) and check.
Don of Tallahassee
2880 Lake Bradford Rd
Tallahassee, FL 32310
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I am seeking a publisher for my poetry.
If you know anyone in the business, I would appreciate an introduction. The following are a few examples of my poems:
Deep Down Where My Me is At
I'm older now and not as sleek
Nor flashing fleet of foot.
When at the ladies now I peek,
On glasses I must put.
My hair is going, going, gone.
My muscle tone is shot.
There are few things that turn me on,
Too many that do not.
I have a list of aches and pains
And pills I have to take.
My waist shows lots of little gains.
My hands and fingers shake.
One ear is deaf. My feet are flat.
I'm not a pretty scene.
But deep down where my me is at,
I still feel seventeen.
Arlington National Cemetary
The wind blows free
Across the glade,
Unfelt by those
Here on parade.
This silent band
That here does stay,
Lets us be what
We are today.
Stark sentinels,
Their white stones stand
In quiet rows
On dear bought land.
They are at rest,
Their duty done,
And winds blow free
At Arlington.
Bikini Underwear
I wear bikini underwear.
This change has been complete
Since my wife found another pair
Behind my right truck seat.
Concentric Circles on My Heart, With Crosshairs
I get along with my ex-wives,
Mean nasty words do not exchange.
My deep respect for them survives
As long as I stay out of range.
Corridor
I don't go down that cobwebbed hall,
Disturb the dusty floor,
Don't ever check the rusty locks,
Nor wonder what they're for.
I do not peek behind the doors
At shadows there confined.
I don't go down that corridor
Way back there in my mind.
Fault Lines
To your flaws I am not blind.
Your virtues far outshine.
I'll put your failings out of mind,
If you'll ignore all mine.
Your defects are minor lacks
I have to search to find,
While my faults are much larger cracks,
The San Andreas kind.
Ben Franklin
Franklin did experiments
To learn both why and how.
He played with kites and lightning,
Is quoted, "Ow! Ow! Ow!"
Harpy Flown
She flies high as the thundercloud,
Soars wide and wild and free,
Half woman and half eagle proud,
Stole sustenance from me.
I'll hear no more her piercing cry.
I'll be no more her prey.
Her perfume lingers in the sky,
But she has flown away.
Liberty Enlightening the World
In New York there is a statue,
A gift to us from France.
She stands there majestically,
First view of immigrants.
Her beauty does entice across
The harbor's broad expanse,
Her features set in fierce resolve,
With a hint of romance.
A broken shackle at her feet
Bartholdi's views advance,
The overthrow of tyranny
For better circumstance.
She beckons with a golden torch,
A promise of a chance,
A foretaste of what lies ahead.
New hope she still implants.
Luck
You know the Fates have favored you,
By Luck you have been kissed,
When your wife points out the cute chicks,
Your tired old eyes had missed.
Mister B
Much overtime grubbed Mister B.
Spare were hugs and kissing,
Winged home one night from busy hive,
Found his honey missing.
The colony he combed for her,
For his queen searched about.
His antennae attuned for her,
He slowly smoked her out.
When found, she waxed most eloquent.
At her mate she did scoff.
She stung him with a pointed barb,
Then told him to buzz off.
The flower of his life was gone.
He acted like a drone.
He worked no more, bumbled about,
And...Expand for more
died last week, alone.
Petunia's Place
Dedicated to Miss Marion M. (Petunia) Hodges, Keeper of the Books
I went from here one afternoon
On my first ride in space,
Went to the Himalayas to
Search for the Yeti race.
I found an Easter Island tale,
Strange statues made of stone
On windswept slopes, tight-lipped of hopes,
Their meaning still unknown.
Hitler, Saint Paul, de Sade and Marx
And others of their kind
Are found to lurk on nearby shelves.
Nobody seems to mind.
Many mysteries here are found,
Love tales that end just right,
And deep insights or vampire bites
Can sate your appetite.
Much knowledge is arranged on shelves,
Numbered to help explore,
Information in formation.
I find here close rapport.
Who rules this paper kingdom?
Who keeps the place so straight?
Who fills out all the little cards
And always knows the date?
Who fines us when we return late,
For talking gives us looks?
Our own faithful librarian,
The Keeper of the Books.
Phone Solicitors
What are the phone solicitors,
With their spiels so galling?
Is it business or profession?
Or is it a calling?
Separate Ways
Disparate twins from Warsaw
Were conjoined at the hip from the start.
The operation worked wonders.
You could say they are now Poles apart.
Sporting Ladies
Ladies' sports are only fair.
To this I do conclude.
The gals have not the skills nor size,
Nor show-off attitude.
They lack the speed and power.
They do themselves delude
By thinking they are just as good,
Have the same aptitude.
If they want for me to watch,
To my TV stay glued,
Then ladies' sports will have to change,
With new life be imbued.
My chauvinist suggestion,
At risk of sounding crude,
Is get some better looking babes
And let them dress out nude.
I don't care if they play well
Or if they are tattooed,
As long as they have lots of fights,
Are big breasted and lewd.
If the ladies take my hint
Of how they should be viewed,
A faithful watcher I will be.
Men's sports can go get screwed.
Stay
I love to listen to the wind
And waves upon the shore.
I like to watch the sun go down
With someone I adore.
I'll walk along the beach at night
In moonlight with you, Dear.
I'll always want to be with you,
To dance with you held near.
When I am far away from you,
You do my heart control.
You are the other part of me,
The part that makes me whole.
So stay by me a little while,
A year or two or ten.
Don't leave until I'm dead and cold.
I might could stand it then.
Test
I took a test at her request.
The test assesed what I do best.
She has confessed it did suggest
What I do best is take a test.
The Guy
He is the kind of sleazy guy
That every girl fears.
Before she's had time to say no,
Her resolve disappears.
He isn't very good with truth.
He's not the steady type.
He doesn't want a wife or kids.
He will her money swipe.
He never takes her out to eat
Nor compliments her dress,
But when he phones real late at night,
Her answer's always yes.
She doesn't get out any more.
She doesn't date at all.
She stays at home all by herself.
She's waiting for his call.
The Little Red-haired Girl
There skips the little red-haired girl.
She dances, pauses, leaps.
Here views the shy round-headed boy.
Each memory he keeps.
There laughs the little red-haired girl,
Among her many friends.
Here sits the sad round-headed boy,
With loneliness contends.
There walks the little red-haired girl,
With purpose, straight ahead.
Here plods the lost round-headed boy,
Whose hopes and dreams are dead.
There goes the little red-haired girl,
To someone else's arms.
Here stays the gaunt round-headed boy,
Still dreaming of her charms.
The Swamp
Near Hogtown Creek in Hogtown
Large reptiles stalk the game.
For many years they've lurked there.
One thing remains the same.
No matter the opponent,
There is no chomp-toothed grin,
There is no joy in Hogtown,
Unless Al's namesakes win.
The World Looks Down
The world looks down at us poets
Who do our poems compose,
Grouped with accordian players,
And them what picks their nose.
Thor
Old Thor espied a comely maid
And felt the pangs of lust.
He worked his wiles with winning ways,
Distracted her distrust.
Seduction was both swift and sure.
Results were not in doubt.
On the next morning when they woke,
She tried to find him out.
She asked him who he really was
And snuggled with a sigh.
When he admitted he was Thor,
She murmured, "Tho am I."
Tips on Tips
Gratuities given grant no special rights
Nor give to the donors unoffered delights.
A tip's not a permit to fondle or paw.
A tipper does not get to insult or jaw.
No giver's entitled to anything free.
No server's expected to sit on a knee.
No one has to laugh at a weak show of wit,
But good tips should lower the odds to eat spit.
Zuckerkrumelchen
A crumble of a piece
Of suger cube quite small,
Her pet German word for me.
It's what she would me call.
Then she was my new love.
She had a gentle touch.
With fingers light, my heartstrings,
She tenderly would clutch.
Her timid trusting eyes
In candlelight would gleam.
I could see through to her soul.
Of her I do still dream.
A score and more of years
Have passed since last we met,
But the things she meant to me
I still remember yet.
There are a couple of hundred more poems in my collection, all just waiting for a publisher. If you can help me find a publisher, I'd be very grateful. If not, I hope you enjoyed this sampling.
I've also got a small collection of limericks. Here are several of the cleaner ones:
Arkin
On Pine Bluff TV, Arkin practices law.
A cute young defendant made him drop his jaw.
In answer to questions about a bad scar,
She dropped trou, turned 'round and bent over real far.
The program aired statewide, the whole Arkansas.
Tassels in the Air
A dancer I've watched twice or thricely
Had tassels she swirled quite precisely.
Of rotation was seen,
To the left, one twirled green.
To dexter, a white one whirled nicely.
Something happened once I thought profound.
Back she leaned as the fringe spun around.
She would grimace and frown.
She would writhe up and down,
On occasion float free of the ground.
This action caused much consternation,
Gave rise to some wild speculation.
But the odor of gas,
She had strained not to pass,
Stilled all aerodyne explanation.
Splitting the Difference (or, Grab Here and Here and Make a Wish)
Short, chubby legs do some odd fellows think keen.
Some hanker for lady's legs, long, smooth and lean.
But I can attest
That most of the rest
Prefer to find something somewhere in between.
I realize that my poems and limericks will not suit everyone. I would appreciate any comments, constructive criticism, corrections or properly appreciative adulation. Or whatever.
If you feel the need or urge to send one or more of my poems to someone else, please insure that my name as author is attached (and stays attached) to each poem. If you have some scheme or plan by which you might make some money off of one or more of my poems, please contact me first because I'd like to make some money, too. And I hate to sue people, but I do know some excellent lawyers.
Thank you,
Don of Tallahassee
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