John Stephens:  

Life One of these nights, one of these crazy old nights? We're gonna find out what turns on your love lights? Well, its official I have retired!!!! Yep, I've pulled the pin and blown that cheap pop stand!!! Always thought work was an invasion of privacy anyway!!! So now what???? While I had full intentions of pursuing my one true passion to become a piano player in a brothel, when I was suddenly struck by the realization that I was becoming what is known in the world as an "Old Man." Not that I'm that old, but I fit that category since I'm almost 60 and retired. I have some serious thinking to do, which always gives me a headache, about those youngsters out there that have never benefited from knowing an "Old Man." Yeah, everyone has a dad, but dad's are to busy chasing mom around the kitchen and working to take a young kid hunting, fishing and teach them the wonders and beauty of this wicked world. I guess I was sidetracked prior to my retirement about the enormity of the responsibility we men of our age have to the youth of today!!! It's serious business viewing one's own manifest destiny.. It hit me that I was facing a compelling charge to become a soul destined for greatness!!!! Yes, you heard me right, destined for greatness!! It all appeared in a vision last summer during a solo stroll into the "Great American Desert" as it was called by Lewis and Clark. Perhaps I've regaled some of you with the tale of my three mile, moon light stroll into Laramie, Wyoming last summer.. A life altering experience it was indeed!!! There I was strolling down the road watching God's little lanterns twinkle on and off in that warm, summer Wyoming sky.. I was soothed by a gentle prairie breeze carrying a hint of sage when it dawned on me that I wasn't really sixty as I had thought, only 59!!! Eureka!!!! Kissed by the fountain of youth I was, I was no longer in the category of being an "Old Man" I thought? Then as fate would have it, I was overwhelmed by shear magnitude of the responsibility that lay before me, less than a year away. It was an epiphany of sorts, bringing me to the realization that I was on the brink of being an "Old Man" and needed to do me some deep pondering about my future as an "Old Man." Snot nosed kid wouldn't know that, most have never known an "Old Man." Pity, they'll never know the truth about the world nor learn to relish the fine and pleasant misery that lay before them. You see, it takes years of tutelage under the watchful eye of an "Old Man" to dry youngsters behind the ears and to wipe that green stain off of their face. They don't know that either of course, because they've have never experienced it. Now being an "Old Man" isn't easy!!! As we age we will sweetly mellow like fine wine!! The biggest problem I believe kids have is being able to recognize a true "Old Man" when they see one. How can we ever assume they'd know what to look for, they¿ve never been taught? An "Old Man" is one of those characters that drive around in an old truck with a three day growth of beard wearing semi-dirty, greasy shirts, jeans and boots. Let's not forget the tattered old hat and his earthy musk, musts for an "Old Man" worth his salt. Now there are several vintages of an "Old Man," and a kid needs to choose carefully and wisely. The sixties are a good vintage, seventies better, eighties perfect and nineties fine. Although the last two categories need to be watched carefully since they have a tendency to fall asleep before reaching the punch line of a joke or omitting critical information during a crisis like surviving an attack of Killer Bees or other important life altering events. Once you've reawakened them, they won't remember where they were at nor will they understand what you are talking about. So, stick with the sixties and seventies models for best results. Every youngster should be properly trained in the safe handling of an "Old Man" before he is allowed to take one out alone. If you're unsure about your ability or about the training you received from your parents take heart kids there are many organizations that provide crash courses for those of you poor souls that have be deprived. Look up your local AARP Chapter or Gray Ghosts Chapter for course information. The best piece of advice I can offer is to treat every "Old Man" as if he were loaded. If a kid accidentally triggers an "Old Man," their liable to get their vocabulary pe...Expand for more