Scott Thompson:
CLASS OF 1986
Pennridge High SchoolClass of 1986
Perkasie, PA
Indian Crest Junior High SchoolClass of 1983
Souderton, PA
West Broad Street Elementary SchoolClass of 1980
Souderton, PA
Scott's Story
Hola! Well folks! It's that time again! Update time!
Buenos dias muchachas and muchachos! What an exciting time to be alive! 2020! Amazing! The future is here! And with the change of the decade, I've decided to make a few life changes as well! Namely, my name, address, and even my primary language! That's right! As you can tell, I'm practicing speaking Spanish! Yessir! And, as I practice, I've decided to shuffle loose my worldly possessions and hit the road! Ohhhhh yeahhhhh! Road trip!!! Yep! I'm off to see the world! Nothing but sunshine on my face and warm breezes in my hair from here on out!
To that end, I'm writing to you (right now) from a hijacked wifi terminal at a freight train station somewhere near the border of Mexico! Shhhhh! We need to be quiet! The nice Mexican Family sitting next to me says I need to keep the 'clacking of keys' to a minimum as I write this....because there are train inspectors out there right now, looking for us! This nice family is waiting till 'the coast is clear' so they can jump off this train - and 'get away from the crazy gringo!' - whatever that means. I think they're talking about THE MAN! Yeah! STICK IT TO THE MAN! That's what everyone says anyway.
So - we're hiding in a boxcar together! And while we wait, this Mexican family is constantly laughing at me, shaking their heads, and calling me a "crazy gringo!' I can't figure out why, but I think they're calling me crazy for trying to "hop the border" INTO Mexico. Apparently, they're coming the other way. I've been patiently trying to explain to them that in just a few years, they'll all be thinking like me, and fleeing, excuse me, "vacationing", back in Mexico, This is mostly because of our amazing legal system! But I'm getting ahead of myself!
In light of recent events, I have decided to clandestinely change my name and exit the good 'ol USofA! You see - it turns out - you can't just sign someone else up for space travel - namely, my wife and kids, by forging their signatures on legal documents. Who Knew?!?! You see, as I explained in my previous update, I tried to send my family on a 'happy voyage of discovery" on the Elon Musk Mars Mission, But, apparently, SOME people get all up in a huff, go all 'high and mighty' and get all 'legal' on your ass - because of some law or other about forging signatures or something on life-threatening something-or-others. Legal mumbo-jumbo as far as I'm concerned. I guess the romance and excitement of space travel are lost on some people. Sheesh!
SO - now -all of a sudden "I'm the bad guy!" How did this happen?! All i wanted to do is send my family to Mars so they could become rich and famous! That's all they've ever said they wanted anyway! So I tried to get it for them! Is that so bad?! Alright. Sure, I admit that I had some selfish motives in that I printed their faces on 100,000 t-shirts and planned to make my fortune selling them. But, now, my wife just sees me as the guy that blew our retirement savings on a 'hair-brained scheme" to "off" his family. I think that's an amazingly narrow view of my intentions! Anyway - she's pretty miffed at me. Hence, the change of address.....oh yeah...and the jail time. Can't forget about that....
Anyway, In the future, should you wish to contact me, please send email to this address, but mark it to the attention of Juan Valdez! That's my new name. Shhhhhhhh! That's a secret! Scott "Juan Valdez" Thompson. That's me. Maybe I'll start a coffee company or something....
Anyway, although I had the best of intentions, recent results of my actions have left me a smidge depressed. And can you blame me? First, I blow all my cash on a ladder I tried to build to reach the satellites orbiting Earth to fix my VCR remote control (fell flat on my face), then this t-shirt thing?! Honestly! How's a guy supposed to get rich these days?! It's THE MAN! He's keepin' ME DOWN!
Anyway, I made the mistake of mentioning my depression to my therapist, who decided to put me on anti-depressants - which were supposed to make me smile 24/7, but it turns out, they made me just want more and more of the 'smiley' pills. I can't stop taking them! The nice Mexican dad of the family that's getting off the freight train right now, just told his kids that I was a 'crazy gringo with a monkey on my back,' but he's obviously confused. I don't own a monkey, let alone have one on my back. Maybe it's invisible? How odd. Do Mexican people see invisible monkeys everywhere?!?
Anyway, I'll write you as soon as I find a nice tree to call my own. You know, one of those high tech trees with wifi! That's a thing, right? Yessir! I plan to head down to the jungles of South America to build my 6000 sq. ft. tree house into the Rain Forests - you know - so I can have some of the creature comforts I've become accustomed to., Anyway - maybe the "invisible monkey on my back' will get off there and find a new home in the jungle. Monkeys love jungles. Everyone knows that.
I hope my adventure finds success.
I hope you are well.
I hope.
OK! TTFN!
Juan Valdez
New Update! 5/29/2021
So – OK then - I’m writing to you (right now) from the communications room of a Weight Loss Center somewhere in the mountains of Columbia! This is SO exciting! I have sooooo much to tell you! Wow! The locals outside are going crazy with their cap guns, making it hard to concentrate as I write this! But – here goes.….
About 3 months ago, I successfully hopped the border into Mexico! I then hitched a ride deep South on a freight train, which I rode all the way down to the steamy jungles of Columbia! Yay! Mission accomplished! I made it! And right off the bat, I have to tell you that the people of Columbia are ssssooooooo nice! I know that because they love to play games! Their favorite game is Capture the Flag! But they sure play it differently down here! Here’s how they play -
The game starts off with one player, in this case Me, arriving fresh into the local area. This player (me) starts the game off ...Expand for more
by trying to build a home right into the jungle canopy of the Rain Forest. Of course, I’m talking about my 6000 square foot tree house that I mentioned I was going to build in my last update! So, I’m building my Tree House, but before I can finish, the locals arrive and yell “Handsome! Handsome!” while shooting off cap guns into the air! Can you believe that?!? Amazing! They must really be happy to see ‘Handsome’ people with all this cap gun shooting! So - I just smiled and screamed “Thank you! Thank you!” as I pretended to put my hands up into the air to make the game more fun! Wow! The cap guns they shoot here sure look like really real guns – adding an amazing touch of realism to the game!
Anyway, they shouted into my face more about me being “Handsome! Handsome!” –(so nice!) - then they put me into the back of one of their pickup trucks and drove me at high speeds through the jungle! This part was SUPER exciting because, even though they had placed a burlap bag over my head, I could still see which side of the vehicle the sun was on – so I knew which way we were driving (and which direction home was). They couldn’t fool me! So on we drove! This was the “capture” part of the game! See?! Get it?! I was the “Flag!” Pretty cool, Huh?!
So, these locals take me to their village up in the mountains and put me into a stick-built hut, where I got to experience local rustic living! It wasn’t long before I realized this village is actually a Weight Loss Center because they were clearly trying to help me look my best! And here’s how they did it! They fed me very little food – and left me to my own devices for long periods of time where I would get SUPER bored – motivating me to constantly work out / exercise! The net result? – I lost 54 pounds! Amazing! I look GREAT!!! I highly recommend it, if you have the chance!
In the first few days, they had a nice Colombian gentleman come into my Stick-house, who spoke reasonable English! I think he was the Weight Loss Center’s concierge. This individual was the only black mark on my entire experience. I plan to give him only 1 star when I do my review of that facility! Very nasty disposition! He kept asking me about my family and friends, and who would pay them money for me?! I said I pay my own bills, and to never mind them! He kept yelling "Get Money! Get Money!" I yelled back 'YOU BROUGHT ME HERE! YOU SHOULD COMP MY ENTIRE STAY!!' And that's how the conversation went about payment for my stay! He just kept shouting 'GET MONEY!' and I would shout back "COMP STAY!!" Anyway, his boss got so mad at him because I couldn’t get what they wanted that he hit the concierge repeatedly! Wow! They take their financing seriously! They were getting very upset when the Capture the Flag game ended all of their thoughts on gaining payment from me. Here's how THAT happened....
The Capture the Flag game continues when a Second group of locals arrive in the middle of the night, shoot their cap guns, and take me from one Weight Loss Camp to another! This, apparently, is a Rival Weight Loss Center! But they're almost identical to the first Facility. Really, IMHO, they should try some diversification. Anyway, they scream more about “Handsome! Handsome!” just like the first group of locals did, then put me right into another Stick-built Weight Loss hut! They are SO NICE in taking care of me this way!
You know – now that I think about it - sometimes it sounded more like they were shouting “Ransom! Ransom!” but who can tell?! I’m not very good with their language.
So before I get to meet the concierge at this new Weight Loss Facility, Locals Group A, as I now call them, shows up again to fire their cap guns! They take me back to Weight Loss Camp A! Then Locals Group B comes back and shoots their cap guns and they take me back to Weight Loss Camp B! And the game goes on and on that way, back and forth, back and forth, for a few months – with no clear winner announced! I admit – that part was confusing! Maybe the game has no winners or losers? Perhaps at the end of the year, they all get participation trophies or something?
Anyway, I reached my Weight Loss Goal, and decided it was time to put aside these childish games and get back to living my life. After all - my tree house wasn’t getting built! I tried to open the door to my hut, but someone had accidentally locked me in. So I broke a hole into a back wall and exited. I was going to stop one of the locals to ask for directions to the front desk so I could check out, but before I could ask anyone, Locals Group B arrived and started shooting off their cap guns again! Locals Group A fired their cap guns back – and much merriment ensued! I, of course, had grown tired of all their hi jinx, and didn’t want to interfere in their merrymaking - so I just looked for a building with an antenna. I found it easily, entered, but there was no one at the desk. I shrugged, then took about 15 minutes to type up this quick update for you on their computer. Wow! What a racket! How can people sleep with all this cap-gun noise going on!? I would think the neighbors would complain - but as they said in 'Fast and Furious' 6 or 8 or 10,018 – “This! Is Brazil!” - which doesn’t really apply here – but I suppose its close enough for horseshoes and hand grenades.
Anyway, after I click ‘Send” to get this update on its way to you, I’ll have a few days of leisurely strolling to get home, then I’ll finish my Tree House as planned! What an amazing and exciting life!
Long story short - after all this dieting and working out - I have to tell you – I look great! I love Columbia! The people here are such busy-bodies – playing Capture the Flag and making people look great!! Where else in the world can you find such amazing, caring, people?!
Ahhhh Columbia!
Anyway, I’ll update you again when I get my Wifi installed in my jungle Tree House! BTW - does anyone know where to plug a cellphone into a tree for power?! I can't find the outlet.
OK! TTFN!
Juan Valdez
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