Alan Emerson:
CLASS OF 1980
Wooster High SchoolClass of 1980
Reno, NV
Alan's Story
After High School, I joined the French Foreign Legion. I was immediately assigned a camel, named Bathsheba, to look after me. She had two humps. I had One. We learned to make water out of sand, and this became a very marketable skill as it turned out, because in the desert, they ain't much water but they's a whole lotta sand. We became very popular and soon opened our own oasis called 'The Mirage' and welcomed travelers from far and wide. After a couple of years, we became disillusioned with the mirage and so we deeded it over to a tribe of Labrador Puppies who had very good people skills which both of us lacked. On the way outta Dodge, Bathsheba met another camel and asked me if she could be with one of her own species. I could hardly refuse as she had been honest with me and I needed to find out who I was before I had met her.
I resolved not to have any thing to do with sand for a long time, as it would only remind me of her. So I went to live in the Okefenokee Swamp in Georgia and was adopted by a herd of alligators who were rather rapacious and somewhat misunderstood by the public. Together, the gators and I opened a Cajun Food Restaurant for the other swamp critters but we had a hard time stopping the patrons from eating one another. It got messy, because so many wanted to order off the menu. After some time trying to make a go of it....we closed up shop and said our goodbyes.
My next venture involved opening a Ballet company for chimps. I became a world renowned Choreographer of Graceful Chimp Movements. We toured the capitols of Europe, Asia, and the Americas to critical acclaim, with much fanfare and hullabaloo. There is nothing though, like a chimp who develops an ego, and before long - there were several prima donna chimps in the company who thought they were better than everyone else, and at our final performance i...Expand for more
n Minsk - there was a monkey coup that manifested in the second act, where four of the sims took off into the crowd and did what could only be generally termed as 'improvisation' - what ensued was total bedlam, leaving grown men crying and old ladies traumatized. We were asked to never perform again anywhere at any time, ever. The chimps were heartbroken and very remorseful. Many of them never got over the experience and some are still in therapy.
I had to change my name and appearance to be able to function in public again. So I hopped on a freighter bound for Bangkok and became part of a pirate crew that pillaged the cargo ships in the South China Sea. I was issued a parrot, named Stewie....he stood on my shoulder and told dirty jokes. That was one fowl bird. Dirty forking mouth on that little bassbird....lemme tell ya. He could make a nun's ears smoke. He could kill a deacon at thirty paces with his limericks. He was not to be trifled with. He taught me alot. I never taught him a word...he had his own filthy dictionary. He died of Bird Flu after he had a tryst with a chicken in Shanghai. I told him she was a tramp, but he was in love, and even to a parrot, love is blind. I kept all my booty in a 55 gallon wine cask that I turned into a raft and one night I stole away with it in the dark. However, I miscalculated the weight/bouyancy numbers and the booty raft began to sink to the bottom of the ocean as soon as it hit the water. I had several moments where I continued to hold onto the raft as it sank, thinking that I couldn't let go because I would lose my booty and end up with nothing. Then, a shining light came to me through the water and a voice spoke to me, saying - "Let Go". And so I did. Those words have been a mantra for me ever since.
Now I sell insurance.
Other than that....not much has happened since High School.
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