Freddy Fanscolli:
CLASS OF 1989
Smithson Valley High SchoolClass of 1989
Spring branch, TX
Freddy's Story
In combating myself I can only report one bloody defeat after another. Not even in this respect is fortune willing to smile at me. The week started well with daily quantities of 0.044 and 0.046 which I divided into 3-4 portions. But yesterday and today I reached again that awful vicious circle which is the source of the most shameful remorse. The trouble always starts with not having the strength to wait for my mid-morning stool. Because when I succeed in doing this and the morphine leaves the intestines, then it is followed by a pleasant, all-day-long hunger which can be satisfied with the regular amount. But if the first sin takes place in the morning, still in bed or before the bowel movements, the same amount doesn't work properly, and...Expand for more
causes no euphoria. To commit sin, to harm myself without enjoying it, this is the bitter thought tormenting me. If I had a gun near me, at times like this, I would blow my brains out, right away.
What do I do instead? Usually before the time is up, 3âÃÂÃÂ4 hours after the first portion, I take the next one. This usually gives euphoric feelings lasting 20âÃÂÃÂ30 minutes, followed by the most miserable, pitiful low, during which:
1. All human endeavours, industriousness, diligence, work, seem to be ridiculous and only hate-provoking.
2. All talk is tiring and stupid.
3. All plans are unrealizable and terrible.
4. All great, beautiful, and noble things are unattainable and futile.
5. I pooped in the shower once.
6. Once.
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