Frieda Landry:  

------------CLEAN RELIGIOUS HUMOR----------------- KIDS IN CHURCH------------------------------------- 3-year-old Reese prayed: 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.' ----------------------------------------------------------------A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'' ------------------------------------------------------------- After the Christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.' ---------------------------------- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ---------------------One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.' ---------------- --------------------------------------------------------------A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.' -------~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~------------------------ A mother was preparing pancakes for her-sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus !' ---------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A father was at the beach with his -----children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?' --------------------------------------------------------------- A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?' 'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?' ------~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~---------------------------------------------------------In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,'Johnny what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.' ------------------------------------ WHERE IS GOD?------------------------------------------- A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, 'We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!' The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8-year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly,'Where is God?' The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, 'WHERE IS GOD?' At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and asked what had happened. The younger brother replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it.' -------------------------------------------------------------------A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." ---------------------------------- ---------------------------------- A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".------ ------------------------------------------------------------ THE SMARTEST MAN ----------------------------------------- A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world' just took off with my backpack." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- GO TO CHURCH, WILLIAM ----------------------------- On a sunny morning, William's mother came into her son's room and said, "William, it's Sunday. Time to get up! Time to get up and go to church! Get up!" From under the covers came mumbles, "I don't want to go!" "What do you mean?" she said. "That's silly! Now get up and get dressed and go to church!" "No!" he shot back. "I'll give you two reasons. I don't like them and they don't like me!" "Nonsense," she told him. "I'll give YOU two reasons to go. First, you are 42 years old, and second, you are the PASTOR!" ----------------- --------------------------------------------------- CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------...Expand for more