Gary Pon:  

Science Experiments Everyday at Austin O'Brien was full of laughs, if not learning. The noon hours could be particularly amusing if one decided: " I'M not going to be a LOSER and play cards in the cafeteria every lunch." (IF I've offended you card playing losers, THEN I apologize. You're probably high priced CEOs now, collecting big bonuses in the face of a collapsing world economy. I digress.) Anyway, one noon hour in grade ten, I found myself in the music/drama room with two of the Poloway Brothers, Wayne and Brent. Brent says that he'll light one of Wayne's farts on fire. Well-l-l-l-l-l, I've just GOT to see this. You remember those little practice rooms that sat at the back of the music room that NO ONE actually practiced in? We went in one of them. Wayne, with great pomp and ceremony, obligingly pulls down his pants. Yes folks, he was wearing underwear.(This is a Catholic school after all.) I think everyone did in those days. Anyway, he dramatically assumes the position (read: bends over) whereupon Brent produces a pack of matches. Brent indicates that he's ready. So is Wayne. Brent lights a match and places it up close to Wayne's butt. Wayne lets one rip, displaying a hidden and valuable talent to fart on demand. He fires a blue flame approx. 18" right thru his underwear and burns all of what little adolescent hair he had on his ass off. Now he's dancing around the tiny room apparently trying to snuff out any flames that may remain from our little science experiment. (Mr. Santarossa would have been proud) Meanwhile Brent and I have collapsed on the floor in convulsions and are perfectly useless with laughter. That was just ONE lunch hour out of, by my estimation, about 600. Next time I'll tell you all about the cat dissecting club. The Cat Dissecting Club " The cat dissecting club will be meeting at noon in the biology lab.... bring your lunch." This MASH-like monotonal message droned out from time to time, piquing my curiosity and forcing me to raise questions. Who are the people belonging to this organization? Slack jawed troglodites from the lower depths of AOB, obsessed with inflicting unmentionable horrors on the poor putrid remains of what was once someone's beloved kitty, now a speed bump? Perhaps it was the football team. I envisioned a gang of drooling Golums, grimly gathered around a slab in the lab, mindlessly tearing at the mortal, fetid remains of poor little Fluffy. One lunch hour, with John Nelson and Bob Meyer in tow, I set out in search of this mysterious, deviant cult. I don't recall that they had weekly meetings, most probably the ghouls met during full moons. If y'all recall, the bio class was located ( at that time ) on that long hallway on the second floor that ran north to south. We made a bee line for the lab. Upon arrival, no one was to be seen in the hall. We try the door to the prep room. It's open! Gingerly, we open the door and peeking in, make sight of a large rubbermaid garbage can against the far wall. It's labeled quite plainly, and in large letters " DEAD CATS ". Bingo ! There's no turning back now. Switching to stealth mode, keeping an eye peeled for signs of authority figures, in we go, creeping ever so carefully, closer... closer to the can. With trembling fingers I reach for the lid from a low crouch and manage to jar it open and flip it off. There was a sight so horrible, so despicable, to this day I awake screaming the name of Mr.Santarossa.(who had some kind of fetish, probably budget driven, for road-kill) Reaching for a sky that they'd never see with those dead, empty eyes, the paws of so many Mittens, Muffys and Snowballs appeared, outstretched as if expecting some macabre hi-five. IT EXISTS!! The awful truth is known. THERE IS A CAT DISSECTING CLUB !!!! Half laughing, half falling over each other in a miserable, feeble attempt to distance ourselves quickly from that awful feline visage, we eventually made our way down to the cafeteria to regale our classmates with our incredible tale of adventure. Would they believe us ? Is there a Sasquatch? Do aliens exist? Is Tom Cruise gay? We'll never know. But I do. I saw it. The horror... the horror.... St. Francis and St. Alan Sister Judy was a "modern" nun. Unlike most nuns we were familiar with, she didn't wear the habit, had a sense of humor, and was popular amongst the students. Sister J was our English 10 teacher and her class was a joy to attend. Frank Panych and Alan Chalupa were close buddies who hung together outside of class and lived in the same neighborhood. They were well known as class cut-ups/clowns, their reputations highly deserved and respected. Our English classes occupied a morning block. One day, as we were all taking our places with bright shiny faces , Frank and Alan were holding court in the few minutes before we all got to work. Laughing, giggling like school girls, and generally farting around, Frank and Alan earn the attention of Sister Judy who, in all innocence and good humor quizzes the rambunctious pair asking, in a nutshell, "what's up?" Alan replies " Hey Sister Judy, ask Frank how his sister dances" Being a good sport, Sister J inquires.. " OK Frank, how does your sister dance ?" Frank , upon hearing the question, immediately becomes sullen and serious. Stone faced he replies... " REAL funny Sister Judy, MY sister doesn't have any legs !" A look of pale, unmitigated HORROR crosses Sister's face. Incredulous, she manages to utter " ALAN!!??..." just in time for both of the pair to burst o...Expand for more