John Mesa:  

I always was, and always will be, a Great Guy: I cannot walk on water, but occasionally I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike finger drumming. Children trust me. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. Using a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I have been caller number 9 and have won the weekend passes. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance--I weave--I dodge--I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends to let off steam I participate in full contact origami. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a microwave and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bul...Expand for more