Lance Link:  

I am a man although many have questioned that over the years. I like rainy days and going thru my neighbors garbage. Since High School I've held a few jobs like; Circus Carny, portable toilet cleaner which lead way to the inspector job. Let me tell you, I've inspected a few "Whoppers" in my life. Other jobs, lets see...I was an alcoholic for awhile (that was a full time job), made casts of porn stars privates as a "Member Molder", professional food eating circuit, rodeo clown, state senator and stray dog molester. Since then I've really grown up and I'm sticking with the state senate thing but still keeping the dog-molesting thing on the downlow. I have 4.75 kids, Tony has my eyes and hair but a dark cocoa skin coloring hence the .75 of a kid. My biggest surprise is when I was selected as successor to Paul Brimmer as the Chancellor of Iraq or you might know me as the second and last Director of the Office for Reconstruction and Humanitarian Assistance. Being a long member of Grace Community Church (although a closet Baptist) my name was pulled out of a hat and I won or should say lost the job. What a Cluster"F" that was. Looking back, I would have thought there was not any possible way that I could have made things worse but boy was I wrong. Although "W" said he had my back, when the photos of my relations w/ an Emu at the Baghdad zoo starting making the rounds, he sure changed his tune. Geeze that guy can yell and the dirty vocabulary! He said the pictures were harder to look at than the Abu Grave pictures. He started calling me Emu Grave, like "Hey Emu Grave, you've gotta be dumber than Emu Phillips" Towards the end he just called me Emu F***er. I often wondered if he could clear his mind of just 10% of the dirty words and thoughts he has on an ongoing basis, he might of been a somewhat smart guy. What a Pendejo. Any hew, that's a long walk back from Iraq. Life throws many curve balls and I'm just glad to be back in my hometown. A place where a guy knows his way around and can peek in windows and steal as many underpa...Expand for more