Scott Leeper:  

Life It has been a few years now since I wrote my last life story, so i thought I'd take a break between my 14th and 15th banana daiquiris and bring you all up to date. Unfortunately, Brigitta, my loving wife of 33 days, left me for another woman, a phlegmatic park ranger named Mel, and they now live in Appalachia State Park cooking meth and making dream catchers from the hair of dead possum (or is that opossum? I can never tell.) Bitter and broken, I sold my entire collection of 17th Century Italian cheese graters and moved to Tibet to serve the Dali Lama. You know what? He's not a llama at all!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought he'd be a South American camelid prized for his transcendent teaching and lanolin-free fur. But he's just some old guy in dorky glasses who walks around in an orange bed sheet acting all holy and stuff. Frankly, I think he's got a bag of boys' underwear stashed in his closet, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. So there I was in Tibet, too big to be a sherpa and unable to speak the language, which frankly sounds like somebody dropping a tray of forks on the floor. I knocked around for a while, working in an incense factory and thinking a lot about Brigitta and Mel, all cozy in their mountain hideaway making lentil muffins and listening to the Indigo Girls. It was then I decided I had to do something productive and meaningful with my life, something that would make the world a better and more beautiful place. So, I packed up my things and walked into the American Embassy where I signed up to become an assassin. After 2 ...Expand for more