Emily Iannielli:  

When I think back to all that has transpired within the past year and a half for me personally I am just beside myself. I have encountered so many things in such a short span of time that it really has changed me in many ways. I don't even know where to start. I feel very comfortable with myself as Emily and I realize that I am also very family oriented so it is a struggle at times but I am and always will be a "Dad" to my son without question and always supportive of my wife. I have their best interests at heart but realize life is not perfect and despite my good intentions I do admit to having weaknesses and personal struggles that i am dealing with each and everyday and all throughout my life. I can not help my son or my wife as I wish because sometimes we need to be helped ourselves and I am finally getting the help I always longed for. I always struggled with shyness, isolation, low self esteem, depression, suicidal thinking, transgender, family tragedy and a sense of wanting to live as I felt in my heart. When I see my son sad and depressed and longing for friends it just breaks my heart because I truly do know his pain and despite this I still feel I am unable to reach him. Although we share this inner pain and struggle we have them for very different reasons. My reason is pretty clear as to why I struggled and my son's struggles only make me feel worse as I only want the best for him. I am trying to find how best to help him in establishing relationships and being responsible despite his autistic background. That was my whole motivation in creating my blog, A Father's Love, My Son and Autism, devoted to understanding Autism and trying to help my son and love him unconditionally and accepting him with all my love and always being there for him. I do admit at times that it is not easy and there are moments of great frustration but I can definitely relate knowing I too was different though my situation is completely different as I identify as female and am considered transgender and I knew from the age of 4 but I never started seeking help until my early 30's, two to three years following my mother's tragic and premature death at the age of 50. I try really hard to help my son by devoting my time and energies in spending at least part of the day together with the intention that it will have a positive effect and allow him to feel good about himself. It is very important to do "father-son" things together but it is hard to find the time sometimes since we have responsibilities and pressures in our daily lives. In addition to that I always struggled with my own personal feelings and am currently feeling extreme depression and find myself unable to work right now. I sometimes wonder why life has to be so painful and sad when we should embrace it and enjoy it because it eventually will come to an end. Why do we feel so burdened and weighed down with worry and fear all the time that it puts a damper on things and makes us feel so upset? Is life supposed to be this way? If this is the case then it would explain why people struggle and become heartless, unfeeling and suffer in pain and silence. For those who are kind, caring and compassionate this is very hard to deal with because it distorts your whole take on life and makes you lose your sense of self and takes the joy out of living and could tragically result in suicide. I always felt I had to over compensate and go to extremes just to find approval or acceptance in my life and I hid my true feelings and always felt inhibited and not able to break through to be true to myself for fear of rejection, ridicule and physical violence. The main worry I have is how to protect my son and help him to have a bright and happy future. There is so much uncertainty and my son has special needs and as he draws closer to age 18 the more I worry for him. I want to see him find himself and find his passion so he can prosper and finally come to accept himself and do something meaningful and have a positive and fruitful life. It has taken me all these years to come to accept myself amidst all the wonderful things I have experienced such as marriage, fatherhood and successes in school and work. I can't help the fact that I am transgender or painfully shy. I do know that I am trying my very best despite my vulnerable situation to protect my family but I also am facing the real possible reality of losing everything. It is so sad to realize you are different and most people judge and treat you with cruelty, disrespect and are very ignorant. I am worried to consider the job market when and if I am able to work because I know I will face discrimination as a male to female transgender individual. I really came to this point of needing and deciding to transition as a result of two separate and very painful tragedies occurring in my life. The bond I had with my dad was unique and very special and that also led to a bond between my son and his grandpa which was heart warming. We had many times together with my dad as he was very happy spending time with my son and family. He was very proud of me and always offered me very helpful advice and help through the years. He was selfless and always put my sisters and my needs ahead of his and he was very devoted to mom who sadly died many years earlier, prematurely. This was very sad when mom passed because my dad became very withdrawn and isolated and battled depression and we all knew mom was very special despite her struggles with her illness. Despite his broken heart he managed to live almost 20 years more and centered his life around my sisters and I and our families and he was very devoted to all his grandchildren including our son, Matty. He was a very loving husband, father and grandfather and we were blessed to have him in our life. Then on April 16, 2009 I was crushed as I learned my dad took his life at the age of 73 by jumping in the path of a speeding train. This was the most difficult thing we as a family had to deal with and we had no way of knowing he was so desperate. It really affected me and I could not sleep and just felt completely lost and wondered why it had to come to this. We will never know what led my dad to end his life that day but we were left with many happy and blessed moments with him and that is what I have locked in my heart and will cherish for my lifetime. As I struggled through my dad's tragic death I had a very good friend who reached out to me by phone the very next day once he heard the news and he was very sympathetic and very supportive. He talked with me on the phone for several hours and I still remember it as if it was yesterday. I will never forget his true concern and spiritual advice he provided me and it really was very helpful to me and I was so very grateful for his friendship and his compassion. He was my very best friend and he really was there for me when I truly needed it and that is very special. The reality of life sometimes wears you down when you lose people who are very special to you. When I learned of my friend's premature death 2 years later, at the tender age of 40, I was in shock and could not help but cry. My mind went back to the day he was there for me in the wake of my dad's tragic death and I literally broke down and when I went to his wake I was in tears as his beautiful wife embraced me and made me feel a little better when I should have been doing that for her. My very good friend died in his sleep and I just felt so sad for the loss of someone special to me and was very sad for his wife and baby girl and I just thought to myself how unfair life can be for some. These two tragedies forced me to look at my life and seek therapy which I sought a long time ago when my mom died but as I was now in my early 50's, married with an autistic son and feeling very sad and depressed I knew I needed to get some help and counseling and I sought out a therapist to talk to. At first I focused on my son and dealing with his situation and my concerns for his future and then I talked about my family and the tragedies I lived through. I was reluctant to speak of my gender identity but felt I really had no choice because this was always affecting me all throughout my life. When I revealed I identified all my life as female despite being born male I just cried and felt I came to a very painful but very enlightening moment. I started to discuss it more and more and realized after speaking with my therapist, a very dedicated and compassionate woman, at all my visits that I truly realized that I had to transition to find my own inner peace and happiness despite my feelings of guilt in having to put my wife and son through this. It was one of the hardest decisions to have to make but I knew it was my only real choice I had if I wanted to encounter some measure of inner happiness before it is my time to leave this place. Despite all the pain and feelings of entrapment and guilt I feel because my situation affects not only myself but also my family and many others in my life I do feel burdened by my decision to transition. I realize I have no control over that but I am very sensitive and affected by it. However, I do have to say that there are many positive experiences I encountered in starting my journey for the past year and a half. My transition from male to female gives me a sense of hope and makes me feel good and believe me that is more helpful to me as I had to struggle with being transgender for my whole life, which is very sad and painful. I have met many kind and caring medical professional who treat me with respect, dignity and compassion. I have had only positive experience with the medical community and started my process of transitioning by scheduling my very first appointment in March 2012 at Callen-Lorde which is a medical facility in New York City that caters especially to the LGBT community. I knew from day one I was in good hands when I first was greeted at...Expand for more