Jeff Palfini:  

I just hope trying to remember me doesn't cause anyone too much of a strain. I always wanted to be a literary character when I grew up. My family and friends thought that was a chancy idea. As it turns out, they were the unwitting cosignors on the loans. Well, right now I am planning to live off my wits in various European capitals, but usually I would just listen to a Dandy Warhols album to blow off steam. I remember my high school freshman English teacher, Mr. Patrick Moynihan, used to have an unhealthy obsession with Elvis. He did this thing every time we had a test that he called Elvis Roulette. He would turn the radio on and if Elvis happened to be on the radio, the test would be cancelled. But, as one would guess, this never happened. Until a classmate named Adam St. Clair and I made a tape of Heartbreak Hotel one test day and put it in the tape player before the teacher arrived in class, pressed play and turned off the power. No test, and Mr. Moynihan even laughed it off when he found out our trick, that is until he found Adam's drawing of the fat, older Elvis with a hyperdermic needle sticking out of his arm. Kids got no respect. Oh, and then there was the time I had dinner with my college track coach and his family off my head on acid. If I'm going to work somewhere, I need to have three items to juggle, permanent markers to sniff, and Pop-Tarts to be able to deal with the day-to-day. My biggest surprise is how little my complete and utter failure has affected my general contentedness. My current age is 34. When I was 12, I thought that people my age now would be remembering what I was like back when I was still alive. I was so completely rock 'n' roll. My best friend would tell you I'm two years late on a debt owed to them, but people who don't know me very well would probably describe me ...Expand for more