Matthew Torgeson:  

I know, I know; I get it. Long winded bio.........Writers. 🤦 My last name now is actually McPadden "not" Torgeson anymore if you are curious. You see, the truth is I was an orphan from Detroit, Michigan that was an adopted transplant into the Torgeson tribe at age two. It was the sixties with free love, systemic irresponsibility, copious random drug use, everything was groovy and all but having a biracial child out of wedlock from a less than honorable chance encounter was still pretty shamefully taboo frowned upon at the time so par for the course. Unlike today abortion was all but unthinkable back then only reserved for the most extreme of situations and normally completely unavailable to (pardon the truth of my mother and my truly sleazy circumstances of my conception) loose women so I was carried to term, however my abandonment was all but assured long before my birth. However, in my twenties I found out the identity of my biological parents. Sadly, like my adopted father, my biological birth father is deceased due to substance abuse caused accidental death. However as an outstanding turn of events my birth white mother turned her life around in the interim and by all appearances now she is sufficiently affluent. As a matter of fact she turned out to be a truly brilliant self made gal after all and lived in paradise Kauai, Hawaii at the time and spared no expense and re-adopted me crowning me Irish Matthew McPadden. How about that. Thanks mom.......... "They tried to bury us. They didn't know we were seeds." ~Dinos Christianapoulos My back story up to present with my general feelings about that and more. I transferred back home from the Flathead Indian reservation in Ronan from a structured group home setting for my senior year to graduate from my family's public school in Bigfork, Montana. I was really steamed at the time not happy about it but it ended up being a great move and outstanding life change for me. I also recognized later in life that it was a truly genius thing to do to seal the shameful illusion of normalcy with my graduation there. You may not understand if you never met my adoptive undemonstrative neurotic scapegoating mother coupled with her corresponding grandiose and vindictive narcissistic son and daughter- my siblings Troy and Lisa. Ok, kinda a loaded statement there right, fair enough. Of my family dynamic in brief,- well it is indeed a long and complicated story (and not such a good one neither I'm afraid) but ultimately it is best left in the past where it safely belongs. However, safe to say though I was "clearly" an embarrassment to my family and they were completely uninterested in anything I excelled at. So they spent top dollar to ship me off and away some place private far from themselves and those that knew them. I had two phases of my life when I was seldom at home through the years. Being beaten severely for infections of any kind or totally ignored like I didn't even exist. The family's eternal shame. That was my existence but I knew no other. So of course I got into trouble for mere recognition sake. Then I was in turn punished for breaking my emotional starvation and utter loneliness. It was cyclical and a problem for everyone. Why they adopted me in the first place to just Harry Potter me has always puzzled me a great deal even to this very day but to say my childhood as a whole was very unsatisfying would be a colossal understatement to the extreme. However, to be frank my very rare instances at home were a virtual paradise beyond all imaginations by comparison to the so called childhood life I endured at the preparatory boarding school for unwanted boys in Billings that I was unceremoniously sent to. Terrible, terrible things happened to me (and sadly other well off children placed there) while at the Yellowstone Boy's Ranch but I pushed through because what other choice was available to me. Persevere or parish period! "Students with childhood trauma don't have faulty brains. They have minds designed in threatening environments to help them survive." ~Peggy Leigh At any rate; most of my original friends from elementary in Bigfork before I was moved away to attend that private school in eastern Montana were in the junior class when I was a senior at Bigfork high because somehow I advanced forward a grade and graduated a year early through the entire transferring from here to there and everywhere else process. If my classmates here even remember me; the very same day I graduated from Bigfork my older brother Troy (now deceased after losing a long fight with cancer) drove me to the Kalispell airport and I went into the Army fulltime and never looked back till now. Even though by default and misguided honor I loved them all still I had to get out, away from that phoney abject greedy and unhealthy family structure pretending to be dirt poor pathologically hoarding every bit of money in bizarre misanthropic envy and see the rest of the world instead. "Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them." ~Oscar Wilde I did just that and then some. Then after some decades in the Army kicking down doors literal and proverbial after all the smiles and cries of being in the service in and out of wartime I became exceedingly disillusioned after it becoming abundantly clear that what we were usually doing abroad was just plain wrong if not immoral or worse- crimes against all of humanity. Though I had a total of three different MOS's (military occupational specialty) throughout my career my main skill set was 19Delta reconnaissance specialist Cavalry Scout which was ultimately under the umbrella of Army Intelligence. I know, contradiction in terms right?! I was basically the army's version of a spy and an assassin and I wanted out. So I pretty much been there done that and back again stepped out retired on benefits. Just like that I finally said to myself, "well that's about enough of that." "War is a racket. It always has been. It's possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives." ~US Marine Corps Major General Smedley D. Butler- two time congressional medal of honor recipient. I have seen and done questionable things while in the service. Things I am by no means proud of nor can be forgiven in this lifetime but to my credit it was "never" personal. I had a job to do and I took that dead seriously as a man of action not words. To be sure a well crafted tool to be used by those utterly unsympathetic merchants of death and political forces vastly more powerful than me in this world. I realized that I was a slave, a modern day gladiator if you will so in turn I was given my wooden rudeus and walked away. Now retired and finished with that life that I was willingly thrust into as a career I made a promise to the one that made me to leave all that senseless evil and hurt behind me and do no more harm but to preserve innocent life rather,- as in my own current one and those in others like any good modern day Paladin would. This I believe today is the true measure of a stand up man of distinction, strength, honor and genuine faith. I am also keenly aware of exceedingly alarming facts concerning the nature of our world and of our very own existence as a whole that I will take to my grave. "Ita sit!" I have regrets along the way of course but I will "fully" own all my deeds done in and out of the uniform when the time comes as that very same man of action in this world and in the next. You see, it wasn't who I was, it was what I did but I wouldn't change a single thing because it made me whom I am today through it all. Look, one way or another I will get what's coming to me when I stand before my Creator- "I Am". I get that, I am ok with that. I got to be because that's the deal- authentic ownership! It's it and that's that and that's all I have to say about all of that. "All men's souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine." ~Socrates I was in law enforcement (special tactics-CERT) for a few years as well during the mid nineties between enlistments. After all I am half "right a few wrongs" northern highlands black Irish but that noise just didn't take at all to me. That ain't me I found out pretty soon after the academy. So I just went back into the Army again and finished up my career there. At the time thinking, who wants to live forever anyways huh?! "Immortality will come to such as are fit for it; and he who would be a great soul in the future must be a great soul now." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson As a forward thinking youth at the time with a back up plan in mind for after the service I have two now pretty much completely worthless degree's (which was one; an academic [while stationed in Germany] associate's of applied science degree in Criminal Justice from Central Texas College and two; a trades bachelor's of science degree in Electrical Engineering [on campus in Boise, Idaho] from ITT Technical Institute) thanks to the available at the time on-base educational centers in Europe when I had the time to go to class throughout my many years in the military and my GI Bill utilized after my service contract to my country was successfully satisfied in retirement. That didn't quite work out as planned (especially with the now defunct ITT Technical system of schools that I unfortunately completely "wasted" my GI Bill benefits on) but I did pay all my predatory lent student loan debt off as quickly as humanly possible during and soon after graduation so it hasn't long term adversely affected my life financially like most once graduated these days. Extremely expensive and very, very time consuming lessons learned right there. Tsk tsk........ "It takes most people a college degree to realize they don't need a college degree." ~Frank Yang Even as a mere plebeian civil servant throughout my lifetime unseemly blessed with a well above average intelligence quotient of 143 still I presumably will never seek another higher educational degree again. Thus thinking to better myself and my outward life standing in such ways. Seems all pretty silly to me at this point trying to get a well balanced educational experience due to the current wide spread festering decay in recognized higher educational platforms today that clearly slant in one political and/or social direction while I am "not" political or interested in social trends in the least beyond being a grateful American and seeking a better life than those before me rather. There is no longer any absolute truth, emotional well-being being fostered, encouraged healthy fellowship amongst others, real world life skills and universal enlightenment practices being taught nor residing in such places. It is beyond sad. Tragic really! Hopefully things will change for the better in the future but I am not too optimistic however. "No amount of learning can cure stupidity and higher education positively fortifies it." ~Stephen Vizinczey I tried so many ways, veneers and avenues of approach to mask and avoid who I was back then and the shame of where I came from. Like fruitlessly trying to run away from your own shadow, it is pointless, sad and exhausting. Truth,- "no matter where you go, there you are!" You just can't ever expect to escape who you truly are so deal with it, find a new direction in life instead and begin to change this personality forever into someone you "do" wish to be. Fully expect it to be painfully transformative, very uncomfortable along the way and it will be a great deal work that will never be finished anytime soon- the life journey of your lifetime! My life has always been about fear, regret, shame and anger. That was just who I always was deep down for a long, long time. It just was no way to be you know. Why would anyone want to live like that. But ya, no more. Today my life is about tolerance, forgiveness and grace period! "Emotions, particularly anger are like fire.They can cook your food and keep you warm or they can burn your house down." ~Cus D'Amoto (Mike Tyson's boxing trainer and mentor) Today I gratefully live a pretty dang good life physically, emotionally and spiritually by choice through design fully retired living the quiet life one state over in the "City of Tree's" Boise, Idaho. Pity I no longer by choice and clear thinking visit with neither my birth nor adopted families because sadly both are quite unhealthy in a frankly toxic way I'm afraid. However I am perfectly ok with this situation because I found it very necessary for positive growth to pardon them all fully and to forgive myself too for my place in it all. Never, ever forget your past mistakes made, the types of people you made them with and where you came from but only to look back on it to see your progress away from such times, places and people from time to time. Transcendence through deliberate grit,- my plucky "un"hero's journey. "The soil of a man's heart is stonier. A man grows what he can, and he tends it. 'Cause what you buy, is what you own. And what you own... always comes home to you." ~Stephen King from Pet Cemetery Life style lessons learned through the years loving the wrong types of people (to include family blood and adoptive ties as well) consistently I find it sane today to not spend one more moment of my far, far too short lifetime on this planet being miserable for any reason period while feeling less than the decent man that today I know I am and pretty much always have been. "The greatness of a man is not how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively." ~Bob Marley Salish-Kootenai Native American Indian tradition states- "To find your home you must find your center place"! Well, I am blessed to have found my resting place in this world with some pretty sweet digs by one of the many streams, canals and the main river that runs straight through the middle of this beautiful capital city of the state filled with assorted flora and fauna. It is my great peace after a lifetime of non sought after conflicts resolved through hostility, strictly business nothing personal inappropriate state sanctioned violence and disappointments that are par for the course after both in spades. I currently share my home with six amazing domestic surrendered house cats named "Mother, Little, Peanut, Hemingway and my absolutely gorgeous pure white twins Smoak and Chloe" (That I traded in in my late forties for the previous crappy male child frenemies and putting up with tolerated the very rock bottom bear emotional minimum with a string of ill fated hedonistic relationships with women that both populated my life for far, far too long unchecked. It is so very hard to soar high with the eagles when you're on the ground scratching and pecking about with nothing but a band of carpetbagging turkeys. I was stuck and treading water. Things and people in my life needed to be fundamentally changed for me to continue to progress beyond my current emotional/spiritual caste model. Thus forever changing my story boarded character arc!) to keep me steady as my muses as a published freelance contributing writer. "Time spent with cats is never wasted." ~Sigmund Freud Domesticated African house cats in my home and the many assorted wildlife I care for on my immediate property I find kindred in countless ways that only pet lovers, farmers, forest rangers, wildlife biologists and the true to the faith of lovers of all creatures great and small could ever possibly fathom. I grew up back in the day as a hunter and trapper of all things I could eat even if it didn't taste all that good in Montana. It was a glorified way of life and was just how things were done then. It was plainly the lifestyle of mountain back woods folk but that just ain't me today. I actually put out feed and seed for ducks and song birds. Nut/seed mix, fruits and vegetables for tree and ground squirrels now. Instead of a hunting rifle or bird shot 12 gage shot gun I sport a pretty dang good pair of binoculars today and Nikon telephoto lense now. It's a good life and one I endorse fully over death. In general, wildlife whether domesticated (or true feral) I observe to date generally give/receive love and forgive "effortlessly" without cause nor leverage. I love and so need that in my life today as a veteran and former cop. I enjoy such simple pleasures living in "their" world today. It's really expensive though, ha ha. It really is and not for everyone but they are my priority just the same. It's a lifestyle............. "To be happy: one must find one's bliss." ~Gloria Vanderbilt I truly have so many fond memories of Bigfork (Ronan too of course) and with every single person there. Everyone was just plain cool and decent. Eden without the Cherubim with the flaming sword! Earthly paradise truly. Bigfork was a wonderfully amazing and beautiful place to grow up even if it was when I was in K-2rd grade, brought home briefly time and again then only for my senior year. After it all, I wish my entire young life would have been spent there rather with such authentic and genuine fine human beings like you all were. The very best type of individuals there is period. I feel so very blessed to have been afforded even that short amount of time spent there. Kinda a God shot blessing for me more than you could ever fathom. I really wish I had been mature enough to express just what you all meant to me when I was there but now I am so there it is. Much love for all of you guys and gals from back in the day. Would love to create some new memories too if you don't mind. "But Ruth said 'Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people and your God my God!" ~Ruth 1:16 So fellow uncommonly rational for today Gen X'er and classmate if life lessons learned in "your" lifetime up to this very point as well warrant seeking out very cool people from the past and you have EVOLVED BEYOND that stupid, stupid middle class drip "Keeping up with the Jones's" garbage in soul crushing perpetual evil usurious debt favoring the excessive outward appearance of wealth at all costs coupled with your exhaustive use of all your precious therapeutic general well being free time foolishly in amassing even more credit debt bondage we may be on the same page in wanting "so much more" then that of what the nonsensical and insufferable bourgeoisie Millennial generation directly after us think is living well. Run on sentence, sorry........... "The things you [think you] own end up owning you." ~Brad Pitt from Fight Club Living my best life as the best version of myself to date as best as I can to the fullest in authentic gratitude for everything I got and not stewing over what I don't as a baseline is the essence of how I live today. "Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid it will never begin." ~Grace Hansen Am I happy? Blissful perhaps? Oh, I don't know. I am very contented and never felt better in my lifetime thus far. Even though I have been chronically single throughout by habit honestly it is mostly due to my career paths chosen however I am seldom lonely when alone. This is my lonesome aberration as an ambivert reluctant sigma male type personality. Still though I feel so very lucky for even the quaint but extremely blessed lifestyle I enjoy daily. Gratitude- BOOM! However come on, even I do recognize there is someone out there for everyone as in my own personal AN AMERICAN TAIL Fievel Mousekewitz singing in the moon light "somewhere out there someone is thinking of me" love story realized. I believe in all that too of course. Things are finally exceedingly slower for the first time in my lifetime now. So now I have time on hands for this 6'3" upfront and proper gentleman of the old code of chivalrous conduct concerning women to eventually run into my very own contrasting cute little petite 5' (or less please) next door type gal final half. Whom is an impassioned, forever romantic, plain spoken, deferential, true, warm, tenacious, humble, funny, confident, a big fan of public displays of affection and somewhat traditional (without being so "stepford" about it ok) with a modern twist type of lady. You know,- that ideal down to earth and interdependent relentless shield maiden type of woman that we all grew up with and was actually pretty common up until about a decade or two ago. "A traditional girl respects herself and demands respect from others." ~ancient Japanese proverb Requirement- a 100% natural born freethinking and enlightened "fiercely feminine" (not some 3rd or 4th wave feminist/misandrist) female with "ONLY" two X chromosomes PERIOD because though tolerant still the other currently trending/accepted 437 utterly absurd genders and 78+ pronouns I have absolutely zero interest in whatsoever romantically thank you very much. It is just plain insane that I have to set the record straight (pun intended) like this but yes, I have to do just that just the same in stark transparency. "Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common." ~Dorothy Parker I don't want just another typical pretty face and/or hot bod. I got a great amount of my lifetime spent in that predictably shallow criteria and it's inevitable short sighted outcomes from such casual encounters/brief couplings with women. I desperately seek something so much more spiritually and emotionally dense and ethnically profound now you know. "Love is when you give someone else the power to destroy you, and you trust them not to do it." ~Emily Jenkins (aka E. Lockhart) Look, I "TOTALLY OWN" my...Expand for more