Tony Walker:
CLASS OF 1974
Madison High SchoolClass of 1974
Mansfield, OH
East Mansfield Elementary SchoolClass of 1968
Mansfield, OH
Tony's Story
I always wanted to be a cosmonaut when I grew up. Co-pilots Lt. Kilgore and Capt. Clifton thought that was a great idea. As it turns out, they were wrong.
If I could improve my home, I'd remodel the attic and add in a trapeze. My dream home would be in a tree. (Because of Ray, read on).
If I won $100 million, I'd give most of it to charity, then spend the rest on a tree, a nest and a big rocket.
My current age is 53. When I was 12, I thought that people my age now would be mummified. I was so completely right.
My best friend would tell you I'm nuts, but people who don't know me very well would probably describe me as nuts.
I share my home with 20lb chihuahua, which I find fat and suffering from flatulence.
In 10 years, I hope to be still wearing skin. I'm going to get there by using Oil of Olay.
My first job was at B-Mold (factory), where I got paid $1.60 an hour to hide. What I remember most about it is it sucked, it really sucked. But I did hone my hiding skills.
I have a best friend,he's a bird, his name is Ray. He lives outside in a tree. My wife (Deb The Nagger) won't let me bring him in the house, something about "bird droppings and flu". Yeah, whatever. When she's at work I let him in and close him off in her room and when he leaves some bird "I've been here business cards" I blame her dog. She don't know the difference, she just thinks her dog is sick. She has a talking dog (Della). It's nuttier than a can of Planters. My dog is the fat one (Sam). Sometimes I can hear his skin stretch after he eats. I know he's getting fatter. My wife (Deb the Merciless) beats me. She beats me with this stick that she soaks in used motor oil. She's been soaking this stick since 1994. That stick won't break,bend,or splinter. She beats me about the head and shoulder when I displease her. She wears me out with it, she's like a ninja with it. I asked her once "Your Highness why do you beat me so"? Her reply in a disembodied voice was "Peasant it pleases me and I like the sound it makes". Hey, what are you going to do? I just live with it. So when the slightest thing happens that displeases her (Highness) I'm in for it. It could be the way the wind mussed her hair. I think she looks for an excuse. Another time she said when I asked her why she beats me she said right to my face "Because you were nearby". Said it right to my face! Can you believe it,can you believe the nerve? Picture this: I'm running through the yard, she's chasing me with her stick, she's yelling with this glassy look in her eyes. I'm screaming and yelping, all the neighbors are watching and making bets. Then the cops show up. They're yelling at her, "Put the stick down Ma'am". Then one of the neighbors start jumping up and down and yelling "I won" The cops are asking "Hey whats going on here" and Deb(The Merciless) says "He missed some dust on the blinds when he was cleaning my room". And the cops are like "Oh,OK, sorry to waste your time Ma'am".(I think the cops are on the "take"). Then they tell her "Ma'am, if your going to beat your Husband try to do it indoors,when the neighbors see you doing this they start gambling and that's against the law". And Deb(The Merciless) says "Well I would but he starts running and I have to chase him down". Then the cops tell me to quit running and take it like a man! What's up with that? Enough for now. I have ironing and dishes to do before she gets home. She's already mad at me today because it's raining and I wasn't fast enough with the umbrella to walk her to her car this morning. Oh man! She was hot about getting her hair wet. Like an old hen "Cluck Cluck Cluck". I'm sitting taking a break after all the house work and a little after four she comes out of nowhere with that stick. I think she's a Shape-shifter. She started screaming and swinging that stick and putting knots on my head faster than I could rub them. The last time I got beat like this is when we went clothes shopping. She was trying on slacks,comes out of the fitting room and asked "How do I look in these"? I meant to say "You look great" but it didn't come out that way. It came out "You should buy clothes to fit your ass and not your Ego". Anyway I take off, get outside, hide and when I got a chance I climbed Ray's tree in the front yard. Ray ask what all the commotion was about, I tell him and asked if I could crash for the night. Ray starts looking over my wounds and comments on the big knot rising right on the crown of my head. I ask how big the knot was and Ray said he didn't have a tape measure on him but he could fly around it and measure it by time and distance. He takes off, its about 4:30 and he doesn't come back. I'm wondering what am I going to do for supper,I'm getting hungry. I climb down around 8 and sneak into the house. Her Highness had retired to her chambers. I know she was mad because her dog was even locked out. So I'm still wanting to measure this knot so I coax her dog Della the talking dog to jump over it. You see Della was a professionally trained circus dog and you know what they do, they jump. So I get a treat,wave it over my head, Della leaps into the air and plows right into the knot. That hurt as bad as getting it,but that shoul...Expand for more
d give you an idea of just how big that knot was. A couple days latter when I finally see Ray I asked him where the hell he went off to, I'm thinking he skipped out on me. He said he was on the back side of the knot when I took off! Big Huh! Anyway the dog jumping aroused Her Highness, she gets up grabs me by the knot and takes me into my room and ties me in bed. She ties me every night so I don't get up and disturb her beauty sleep. She hooks up the hose so I don't have another "accident", growls and slams the door. Around 2 in the morning the door slams open, there she was screaming and swinging something over her head. She starts wailing on me. She's got a tube sock filled with drywall screws. You've never been hit until you've been hit with a tube sock filled with drywall screws! So she's wailing away, I'm screaming and yelping trying to get out the "safe word". See: I told Her Highness we should have a "safe word" so when I get to the point of blacking out I can scream it out so she can ease up or stop. For her own protection,you see. Anyway I wanted something simple like "red" or "blue" but she wanted "Mononucleosis". Mononucleosis! Who in the hell can scream out Mononucleosis when they're taking a savage beating with a tube sock filled with drywall screws? I know she picked that word on purpose. I would have settled for "Pottawatomie" When I'm screaming "please stop beating me" she might be in such glee and get confused enough to think I screamed "Pottawatomie" and stop. Anyway that night she beat the living *&$%# out of me. On the bright side, now I have two hoses. Her Highness told me if I screw up again she's going to exchange the hoses for PVC pipe. I'm just going to have to try harder. More later. I think I got a guy to buy Della the talking circus dog. So last week I go meet this guy that I found on Craigslist who was wanting a talking dog and I had one for him. Della the ever talented circus trained talking dog. I tell the guy that I won't leave my house for anything under 20 bucks. I'm thinking every body's happy, he gets a talking dog and I got 20 bucks cash! I pack up the van grab the dog and I'm off to Quebec. On the way there I thought that I should have a well deserved vacation so I stopped by Niagara Falls for a few days. Didn't have to spend a dime for a room. At first the hotel didn't like the idea of having a dog in the room. I tried to pass her off as a seeing eye dog but they seen me drive the van in and not Della. But after they heard Della talk they asked if I would do the 10 pm. show in the lounge and they would throw in the room. I couldn't pass that up and I made over 15 bucks just in tips! Her Highness kept calling my cell wondering what was going on so at first I told her that Della and I were on a fishing trip. But that was stretching it a bit, Della doesn't like to fish and Her Highness knows that. Della gets all squeamish about worms. After three days of phoning me every hour on the hour worried about her precious dog I finally told her that for me and the dog to come home some things are going to change. And I'm going to stand firm on this, this time. She's just going to have to ease up a little. The thought of that Witch re-plumbing me with PVC pipe scared me and I told her so. Hooking up hoses is one thing, installing pipe is another. She doesn't have a plumbers license. Her Highness promised this time would be different and she would try to be more understanding and ease up on the beatings(I should have gotten that in writing). There was something sweet and innocent in her voice and I just couldn't say no,her voice made me all gooey inside. I was running a little low on cash money anyway so Della and I headed home. Oh,about the guy that wanted to buy Della: That damn dog clammed up tighter than a mob hit-man, didn't utter a word. Later she said she had a sore throat and laryngitis from working the lounge in the hotel. Anyway I think the guy was a fraud. Some Korean dressed up like a French painter who smoked cigarettes likes Greta Garbo. He just didn't look right, kept licking his lips and saying "cum-pow wit wice,yum yum", whatever that means. When we got home Her Highness met us with tears and opened arms, well not me, she met Della with tears and opened arms. She didn't say much until she tucked me into bed. She just asked a question: "Would you prefer black PVC or white"? Later. So far so good. Kind of. Her Highness hasn't said much. Just a grunt now and then. I hear her and Della talking, whispering in her quarters, plotting,planning. I catch her staring at me with this evil little grin,evil smirk on her face. Like she knows something I don't know. I can feel her staring at me because the back of my head burns and I get tingly in my manly regions. I caught her and Della looking at those newspaper fliers, you know those ad pages they fill the newspaper with instead of news. Well: She had all the fliers from the home improvement stores like Home Depot and Lowe's. They were spread all over the table opened up to the plumbing sections! I don't think Della has a plumbing license either. I'll check. I'm scared. I'll talk this over with Sam, he's like a father to me, I'm like a son to him, kind of like a son of Sam's. Huh! Son of Sam, that's funny. Later.
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